[John_Flynn]

David Blunkett was given a Cheese Grater for Christmas, he said it was the Most Violent  book he had ever read.

[dave401uk]

has any one see Stevie wonders new limo round town
...
.
...
.

...











...nor nor has he

[Chris Bailey]

A message arrived for you from www.dating/love.com

Message reads:

Your dating advert has been on the net for 8 weeks without any answers!  Do you want us to try one week without the picture?

[Derek]

HOW TO CLEAN THE TOILET...EFFECTIVELY


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
 
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
 
5. Flush the toilet three and or four times. This provides a "power-wash."
 
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
 
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
 
Sincerely,
The Dog

[paulchambers]

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied

[planet]

I found these unusual adverts in my local rag !


Carpets Cleaned: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it for you.

For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Jake the Carpet Cleaner.  unequaled in quality, unmatched in service, unrivaled inconvenience.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
 
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Motor Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

* strange town i live in, feels like the twilight zone !*

[planet]

  A funeral director called a man for further instructions about his mother-in-law’s body.

“Do you want her embalmed, cremated, or buried?” he asked.

”All three!” the man answered promptly. “Don’t take any chances.” 

[Dennis]

Since it's gonna come true anyway.

"I heard pundits say Norwich City would spend three seasons in the Premiership."

"Yeah, Autumn, Winter and Spring." 

[Alan_Harrison]

Did you hear about the gay cowboy? He rode into town and shot up the sherriff

Al

[planet]

  whats the diffrence between clint eastwood and a gay man?

One 'makes your day'
the other makes your 'whole week'

(You have to say it in your mind to 'get' what it means) 



 

[Derek]

NEW...D.I.Y Kit for ladies

[Glynn]

The government asked 100 scousers if Great Britain should change its currency. They all said no, they were happy with the giro.

[Don Atkinson]

Very good Glynn

[strakercleaning]

Noticed topic started by Steve Gunn on Business Stationary...........
I went into a newsagents recently and asked the girl behind the counter " if she kept stationary? "
She replied " Yes , right up to the last minute then i thrash about wildly !!"
 

[John_Flynn]

The Duke of Edinburough has given Camela Parker-Bowles an early wedding present, A long weekend in Paris complete with a chauffer driven Mercedes.

[mgcleaning]

little garnening tip:
empty 1 bottle of vodka into watering can, fill with water and sprinkle all over lawn.
Now when your grass grows it will come up half cut.

[Dennis]

IF EASILY OFFENDED DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER

Goto http://www.google.co.uk/

(The offending bit, I am trying to do it without a certain word!)

Type f**kwit (obviously replace the stars to make a well known word  : ) in the search box and click on Google Search and see the top result!

    

[Ken Wainwright]

 
 
 

Ken

[ian richards]

An Irishman walks in to a shoe shop that he had previously brought some shoes from the day before.
He walks up to the shop assistent and shouts " I bought these shoes from you yesterday and they are killing me"
The shop assistent  looks down and says,  "No wonder Sir, you are wearing them on the wrong feet" Looking blank the irishman says " Well ive got no other feet to put them on!!!"

[John_McGavin]

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.

He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"