[Scott Martin]

Give us your best jokes please? So we can have a laff after a hard day!

Hope they will allow the blue ones on the site! Ha Ha

Cheers

[kwakakid355]

 A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.
 He spends £5, 000 and feels really good about the result.
 
 On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
 Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how   old do you think I am?
About 35,  was the reply.
I'm actually 47,  the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, I'd guess that you're 29?
Nope, I am actually 47. He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, I am 85 years old and  my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.
 If I put my hand down your pants and play with your thingy for
 ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, OK, it's done. You are 47,
 Stunned the man says, That was brilliant! How did you do that?
The old lady replies, I was behind you in McDonald's.

 : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :

[strakercleaning]

That mans wife is disgusted at the money he spent so demands £4000 for a boob job. She says she wants a fuller bosom after years with a flat chest.
He throws her a toilet roll and tells her to use that.............."it worked on your arse "

[Derek]

[Derek]

[Dennis]

Charles and Camilla arrive at their honeymoon hotel, the receptionist says to Camilla "Would you like the bridal suite?"

She says "No thanks love, I'll hold on to his ears" 


Where would you find a chicken with no legs?

Where you left it! 

[Doug Holloway]

Scott,

I deleted your last link as that word is not acceptable on here,also the F word would be banned.

Try to keep them cleanish.

Cheers,

Doug

[strakercleaning]

Two fish in a tank.
One says " Can you drive this thing? "

[dave401uk]

What do you call a fish with no eyes???
....
.....


..............







.............

fsh, well you started it Chris

[strakercleaning]

Two Parrots on a perch.
One says " Can you smell fish? "

[Martin Sambrook]

best day of my life....walking down the isle towards my wife, everyone smiling, vicar said a few nice words, i gave her a kisss.......Then shut the coffin.
 

[Scott Martin]

Sorry Doug,

Wont happen again!

Cheers

[Phil Marlor]

My best mate ran off with my wife last month.

I do miss him.


Phil

[mgcleaning]

two guys in a bar one says "I can bite my right eye" the other one says "bet you can't"
so first guy takes out his glass eye and bites it .
second guy says"thats good but I bet you can"t bite your other eye"
first guy says "wanna bet" and takes out his false teeth and bites his left eye
 

[Shaun_Ashmore]

Woman in bath is playing with the taps with her big toe and gets the toe stuck in the hole, she shouts her husband and he comes running, after a few minutes of trying to pull said toe out of tap hole, he says to her
"it's no good we'll have to phone a plumber"
she says" we can't I've got no clothes on"
he goes away and returns with his boler hat and says "put that over your lower bit and cover your upper bits with your hands"
plumber walks into bathroom
woman says "can you help me?"pointing at the toe
plumbers says "no problem" and releases toe and then says" but I don't know what I can do for Acker Bilk!"

Shaun

Can you hear Strangers on the shore?

[Phil Marlor]

Bloke is lying in a Hospital bed after just waking up from an operation, the Doctor is standing there and says to the patient, I am afraid we have some good news and some bad news for you.

The bad news is that we have had to amputate both your legs.

But the good news is the bloke in the bed next door wants to buy your Slippers.

Phil

[Derek]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then, casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "d**n thing's an hour fast. 

[woodman]

Two hunters going through the jungle come across a pygmy standing on top of a huge dead elephant.

"Christ," says one of the hunters" how on earth did a little chap like you manage to kill such a massive beast"......"with me club says the pygmy"..........."must have been a huge club" says the hunter.

"yep, theres 3 hundred of us" says the pygmy.

Well it made me laugh on Friday night after 7 pints

[Karl Wildey]

Bloke comes back from the pub carrying a duck under his arm.
His wife is sitting on the settee when he walks into the room.
Bloke says 'this is the pig I have been sleeping with',
wife says 'thats a duck'
bloke says 'I was talking to the duck'

[Karl Wildey]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened
by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and
frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a
mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away. Afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found
himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious
cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to
his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed
sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain
and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate  the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,
"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a
shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed."..................(wait for it) ..........

 
"I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".