[michael papworth]

Which of these would you prefer to receive, A or B?

A
Wally the Window Washer can now offer you several additional services besides window washing. I can now provide you with one of the most comprehensive exterior cleaning services available in the entire county right here on your doorstep.

Using pure water cleaning technology,  I can clean your windows and frames; conservatory; guttering, fascia, soffits and cladding to the highest standards. And I can do it all in perfect safety without the use of ladders.

I can also clean your driveway, patio, decking and even your garden furniture and buildings using professional pressure washing equipment. It's all on my web site.

I've also invested in a high-powered vacuum system specially designed to clear blocked gutters with no fuss and no mess. I can now get your gutters flowing freely again to protect your house and garden from water damage. I even bag up the material taken from your gutters and dispose of it for you.

If you would like a quotation for any of these  services, I can be contacted as below.

With my very best regards

Wally the Window Washer

B
In order to serve you even better, Wally the Window Washer can now offer you several additional services besides window washing. You now have one of the most comprehensive exterior cleaning services available in the entire county right here on your doorstep.

Using pure water cleaning technology,  your windows and frames; conservatory; guttering, fascia, soffits and cladding can all be cleaned to the highest standards. And it can all be done in perfect safety without the use of ladders.

You can also have  your driveway, patio, decking and even your garden furniture and buildings cleaned using professional pressure washing equipment. You can check out my web site to see the cleaning possibilities on offer.

And the latest addition is a high-powered vacuum system specially designed to clear blocked gutters with no fuss and no mess. You can now have your gutters flowing freely again to protect your house and garden from water damage. I even bag up the material taken from your gutters and dispose of it for you.

If you would like a quotation for any of these  services, you are very welcome contact me as below.

With my very best regards

Wally the Window Washer

A is very "me" centred whereas B is "you" centred.

[groundhog]

I prefered B, don't ask me why, it just sounded better to me!! 

[Bobs Window Cleaning]

Both have way too much information. Straight in the bin

Sorry bud.

Bob

[AuRavelling79]

I like B but agree to an extent with Bod "flying mallet" opinion man!

[Ian Lancaster]

Both have way too much information. Straight in the bin

Sorry bud.

Bob

Fully agree.  Should be short and to the point, and readable at a glance.

Boredom factor will set in about halfway through the second line.

You get approximately 2 and a half seconds to 'grab' them, then it's too late.

[windowwashers]

far to much text, as said you have to grab attention when selling something.

nothing grabbed attention, skip read it, IMO back to the drawing board

[Paul Coleman]

Which of these would you prefer to receive, A or B?

A
Wally the Window Washer can now offer you several additional services besides window washing. I can now provide you with one of the most comprehensive exterior cleaning services available in the entire county right here on your doorstep.

Using pure water cleaning technology,  I can clean your windows and frames; conservatory; guttering, fascia, soffits and cladding to the highest standards. And I can do it all in perfect safety without the use of ladders.

I can also clean your driveway, patio, decking and even your garden furniture and buildings using professional pressure washing equipment. It's all on my web site.

I've also invested in a high-powered vacuum system specially designed to clear blocked gutters with no fuss and no mess. I can now get your gutters flowing freely again to protect your house and garden from water damage. I even bag up the material taken from your gutters and dispose of it for you.

If you would like a quotation for any of these  services, I can be contacted as below.

With my very best regards

Wally the Window Washer

B
In order to serve you even better, Wally the Window Washer can now offer you several additional services besides window washing. You now have one of the most comprehensive exterior cleaning services available in the entire county right here on your doorstep.

Using pure water cleaning technology,  your windows and frames; conservatory; guttering, fascia, soffits and cladding can all be cleaned to the highest standards. And it can all be done in perfect safety without the use of ladders.

You can also have  your driveway, patio, decking and even your garden furniture and buildings cleaned using professional pressure washing equipment. You can check out my web site to see the cleaning possibilities on offer.

And the latest addition is a high-powered vacuum system specially designed to clear blocked gutters with no fuss and no mess. You can now have your gutters flowing freely again to protect your house and garden from water damage. I even bag up the material taken from your gutters and dispose of it for you.

If you would like a quotation for any of these  services, you are very welcome contact me as below.

With my very best regards

Wally the Window Washer

A is very "me" centred whereas B is "you" centred.

B is much better but both are too wordy (a bit like my posts).

[gary999]

got bored after first two paragraphs

[Clive McDonald]

Use simpler language. Use bullet points. Use bold text to highlight certain words.Cut the bragging about being the best in the country.Where appropriate replace text with an illustrative photograph.

[michael papworth]

I didn't explain well, did I?

The text is for the back of a double-sided A5 flyer. Here's the flyer.

The idea is to provide bullet points for those who want them and more info for those who want it. Same info is on both sides - appropriate to all types of people.

[windowwashers]

I didn't explain well, did I?

The text is for the back of a double-sided A5 flyer. Here's the flyer.

The idea is to provide bullet points for those who want them and more info for those who want it. Same info is on both sides - appropriate to all types of people.

if the wrong person sees the wrong side it would hit the bin as quick as they read it.

your flyers are not showing Wally so cant see them

[michael papworth]

First line: In order to serve you even better ...

Isn't that a hook?

And count the frequency of I/me/my you/your

I/me/my = 3

you/your = 16

Isn't that a hook?

[Blue Sky 2]

Use the great images

John

[sjm]

I think you have a split personallity  

[Clive McDonald]

No that isn't a hook.

This is my understanding Wally, I'm not saying I'm right just my take.

The theory is that leaflets have a heirachy of needs and it is up to you to order this.Pressure washing,cons, and gutter cleaning customers either come from existing wc customers or from a wide (5k/10k) leaflet drop over a wide area. The return is low.

I take it your core business is WC. Theory says that you should make this plain. I do admire your use of the term window washing because it is a truthful description of what we do.

[michael papworth]

No. I haven't got a split personality. That's the whole point, though.

People come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and mentalities.

Some people love to see the big picture and get confused by too much detail. Others get cross with broad brush strokes and want the fine detail. Some people want to see what's going on, others want to have it explained to them and others want to feel that they are being made to feel respected.

I've tried here to appeal to the "big picture" folks with bullet points and the "nit pickers" with the detailed info.

Not everyone is the same, and not everyone likes the same things ...

... except in ONE very important area.

I have never bored anyone by talking about them. The art of conversation is to talk about things that interest other people - and by and large that is them.

Try it ...

"How was your holiday?" and you've got someone hooked.

"Do you want to see my holiday photos?" and people run for cover.

When I was teaching I ALWAYS talked about things that interested the kids first - and then led on to what interested me - what the lesson was about. Get 'em hooked, then play them in.

[Clive McDonald]

You haven't a clue about theory Wally. A hook in theory terms generally means an opening that offers something free.

The carpet boys use bait and switch for instance.

What you said about conversation may be true, but your present targets aren't going to swot up on your leaflet for a test on friday.

[Rob.Hall]

B