[Jack Wallace]

December 18th:- Its started to SNOW! The first of the season & the first we’ve seen for years. The wife & I took our hot toddies & sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Its so beautiful & peaceful. How lucky we are to have moved from the south to the Highlands of Scotland
 
December 20th:-We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the fabulous landscape. Just what we always dreamed Scotland would be like. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it! I did both our driveway and our pavement. Later a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled & waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again.
 
December 24th:-It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around -8c.Several branches on our trees & bushes snapped off due to the weight of snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by & did his trick again, much of the snow is brownish-grey with yellow patches!
 
December 27th:- Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the drive, nothing broken but £100 for a Physio. More snow & ice expected.
 
January 1st:-Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a Landrover to get her to her work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of the white s~@t last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt, iced up slush, locks are frozen solid and wiper blades are stuck to the screens. More shovelling in store for now. The b@&^£$%d snowplough came by twice today.
 
January 3rd:-More f----ing snow! Not a bush or tree on our property that has not been damaged. Power was off for most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly burnt the house down. I managed to put the flames out but lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows and suffered second degree burns to my hands. (Car hit a f----ing deer on the way to the hospital and was written off.)
 
January 7th:-F----ing b@&^£$%d white sh-- keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the post box. If I ever catch that arsehole that drives the f----ing snowplough Ill chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think he hides round the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then comes down the road at 100mph and buries the f----ing driveway again.
 
January 9th:-16 more f----ing inches of f----ing snow and f----ing sleet and f----ing ice and god knows what other kind of white sh-- fell last night.. I managed to wound that b@&^£$%d of a snowplough driver with an ice-axe but he got away. F----ing car wont start. I think I’m going snow-blind. I cant move my f----ing toes, I think its frostbite. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More f----ing snow forecast. Temperature -20 degrees C. F--- this I’m moving to Australia !

[weetot]

Hilarious

[Window Washers]

December 18th:- Its started to SNOW! The first of the season & the first we’ve seen for years. The wife & I took our hot toddies & sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Its so beautiful & peaceful. How lucky we are to have moved from the south to the Highlands of Scotland
 
December 20th:-We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the fabulous landscape. Just what we always dreamed Scotland would be like. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it! I did both our driveway and our pavement. Later a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled & waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again.
 
December 24th:-It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around -8c.Several branches on our trees & bushes snapped off due to the weight of snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by & did his trick again, much of the snow is brownish-grey with yellow patches!
 
December 27th:- Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the drive, nothing broken but £100 for a Physio. More snow & ice expected.
 
January 1st:-Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a Landrover to get her to her work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of the white s~@t last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt, iced up slush, locks are frozen solid and wiper blades are stuck to the screens. More shovelling in store for now. The b@&^£$%d snowplough came by twice today.
 
January 3rd:-More f----ing snow! Not a bush or tree on our property that has not been damaged. Power was off for most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly burnt the house down. I managed to put the flames out but lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows and suffered second degree burns to my hands. (Car hit a f----ing deer on the way to the hospital and was written off.)
 
January 7th:-F----ing b@&^£$%d white sh-- keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the post box. If I ever catch that arsehole that drives the f----ing snowplough Ill chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think he hides round the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then comes down the road at 100mph and buries the f----ing driveway again.
 
January 9th:-16 more f----ing inches of f----ing snow and f----ing sleet and f----ing ice and god knows what other kind of white sh-- fell last night.. I managed to wound that b@&^£$%d of a snowplough driver with an ice-axe but he got away. F----ing car wont start. I think I’m going snow-blind. I cant move my f----ing toes, I think its frostbite. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More f----ing snow forecast. Temperature -20 degrees C. F--- this I’m moving to Australia !

That will teach you for moving up north init Blood

[mci services]

  sounds exactly what ive just been through

[Window Washers]

This year I have not laughed so hard.


Thank you.

[bravo20]

So what did you do on  the days in between?

[Tim82]

Both wife and I laughing very hard thanks. Did you write that??

[reachandshine]

Brilliant!!!!!

[stephen s]

December 18th:- Its started to SNOW! The first of the season & the first we’ve seen for years. The wife & I took our hot toddies & sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Its so beautiful & peaceful. How lucky we are to have moved from the south to the Highlands of Scotland
 
December 20th:-We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the fabulous landscape. Just what we always dreamed Scotland would be like. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it! I did both our driveway and our pavement. Later a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled & waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again.
 
December 24th:-It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around -8c.Several branches on our trees & bushes snapped off due to the weight of snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by & did his trick again, much of the snow is brownish-grey with yellow patches!
 
December 27th:- Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the drive, nothing broken but £100 for a Physio. More snow & ice expected.
 
January 1st:-Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a Landrover to get her to her work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of the white s~@t last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt, iced up slush, locks are frozen solid and wiper blades are stuck to the screens. More shovelling in store for now. The b@&^£$%d snowplough came by twice today.
 
January 3rd:-More f----ing snow! Not a bush or tree on our property that has not been damaged. Power was off for most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly burnt the house down. I managed to put the flames out but lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows and suffered second degree burns to my hands. (Car hit a f----ing deer on the way to the hospital and was written off.)
 
January 7th:-F----ing b@&^£$%d white sh-- keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the post box. If I ever catch that arsehole that drives the f----ing snowplough Ill chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think he hides round the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then comes down the road at 100mph and buries the f----ing driveway again.
 
January 9th:-16 more f----ing inches of f----ing snow and f----ing sleet and f----ing ice and god knows what other kind of white sh-- fell last night.. I managed to wound that b@&^£$%d of a snowplough driver with an ice-axe but he got away. F----ing car wont start. I think I’m going snow-blind. I cant move my f----ing toes, I think its frostbite. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More f----ing snow forecast. Temperature -20 degrees C. F--- this I’m moving to Australia !

So what you saying then ?   

[Pole 2 Pole]

If that ain't the funniest post "ever" i'd like to know what is. Thanks for sharing your despair with us Jack. Ever thought of writing a bit of satire on your days off? That's IF you can get your fingers to wiggle  I thought about moving to Scotland once. Not anymore 

[Rob.Hall]

No window cleaning then 

Thank you for making our ft of snow look very poltry.....By the way, Im down South!!

[dai]

Cheers Jack, you made me feel so much better.

[ccmids]

that is great 

[mci services]

Cheers Jack, you made me feel so much better.

didnt make me feel better though it was funny as. just reminded me of what its been like

[stephen s]

Cheers Jack, you made me feel so much better.

didnt make me feel better though it was funny as. just reminded me of what its been like

Stu

I seen an interview with Aliex Mcliesh ( spelt wrong )   on sat before the birmingham-man utd game,   he was asked if the game would still go ahead with the weather and he replied             of course it will,   I'm from Aberdeen and this is Tee-shirt weather for me 

[mci services]

Cheers Jack, you made me feel so much better.

didnt make me feel better though it was funny as. just reminded me of what its been like

Stu

I seen an interview with Aliex Mcliesh ( spelt wrong )   on sat before the birmingham-man utd game,   he was asked if the game would still go ahead with the weather and he replied             of course it will,   I'm from Aberdeen and this is Tee-shirt weather for me 

sounds about right steve ive got to force my son to put a jacket on as he reckons its roasting ootside at -8, then he takes it off and plays fitba in the snow :

[jeff1]

Someone's done a few changes to the original one that was this.

Diary of an Englishman in Western Australia

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our
new home in Newman , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and
warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool
yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it
here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem
though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
sun-worshipper.

September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants
today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns
over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do!
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car
before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car
after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag
and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat
sh*t. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a b@stard. It feels like a giant blow
dryer. And it's hot as heIl. The home air conditioner is on the blink
and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs
to order parts from Perth .

October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still
haven't arrived for the aircon. Been sleeping outside by the
pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go
inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets
the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it
feel about 30. Stup*d repairman.

November 8 - If one more smart arsse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
going to f#ckin' throttle him. F#ckin' heat! By the time I get to work,
the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet
and I smell like baked cat!

November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my arse
was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my
legs and my arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse
and baked cat!

November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a recording.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f#ckin' sunny! It's been too hot
to do anything for two f#ckin' months and the weatherman says it might
really warm up next week.

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms just dried up and
blew into the flippen pool. The only things that thrive in this
heIl-hole are the f#ckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear
of swallowing half a dozen of the f#ckers!

November 20th - Welcome to HeII! It got to 45 f#ckin' degrees today. Now
the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and
said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500
mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stup*d
f#cker. F#ckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented f#ckin' id*ot would
want to live here!

December 1 - WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are f#ckin' kidding!