Clean It Up
UK Window Cleaning Forum => Window Cleaning Forum => Topic started by: Mikey Warner on December 18, 2003, 03:02:13 pm
-
Just to bring a bit of festive laughter i thought i'd post a joke,.....
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa
was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were
problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and
the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as
the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to
visit. This stressed Santa even more. Then he went to
harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and
were out, heaven knows where. More stress!!!
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the
boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and
scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into
the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to
drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee
pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his
way to the door. He opened the door and there was a
little Angel with a great big Christmas tree. The
Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa,
isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little Angel on top of
the Christmas tree ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
I LIKED THAT ONE BONES
-
Don`t sell the ladders just yet Bones :-*
Gerry.
-
nice one bones ;D ;D ;D
-
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, it it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied:
Wait for it............
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".
Sorry!! :-[
-
a man called eric was lucky enough to come across a magic lantern, he rubbed and sure enough up popped a genie. The genie said to eric "i can only give you one wish so use it wisely"
now eric said to the genie "ive always wanted to visit austraila but i cant fly and theres no way im going accross water".
Well the genie thought long and hard and new this was going to be some task, so he said to eric "look to do this i got to build a road 10 000 miles long over deserts and under seas, i just dont think its possible, even for me, look eric can you think of something else.
well eric thought and yes there was something!
"look mr genie ive always wanted to know what makes a woman tick, why is it one day shes fine and the next WELL, and how come we men can never understand them.
"was that a single or dual carrigeway" said the genie
-
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/slp29/insane.html
-
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/slp29/insane.html
60 Seconds??? I didn't even make it to five!! (if you don't know what I'm on about, click on the link). ;D
-
Thats good that ;D About 10 seconds is all i could manage ;D
Steve
-
Longer than me , but I did like this one
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/slp29/moon.html
8)
-
Excellent stuff. ;D
I sent the http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/slp29/insane.html to my nephew and he loved it. Check out his website to see why (blatant advert I know but as a proud uncle I make no apologies) www.jamesgornall.com :)
-
Wylie, So when James is sittin in the formula 1's in a couple of years will we see you cleaning the windows in the pit lanes ::) ;)
Mikey
-
Too Bl**dy right !!
Anything for a pit pass Me ;D ;D
-
Wylie,
Does he have your name on his car as one of his sponsors ;D 8)
-
No I cant afford to put it on the car but his pants has my name on it ;D ;D ;D
-
Not on the seat of his pants 8)
-
;)went to the doctors the other day,I said when I push my forefinger on my chest it hurts, ???and on my knee it hurts,and on me ed it hurts, ???and on me leg it hurts, ???
doctor says,I gotta broken finger ;D
-
Dont know He wont show me ( not that I really want to see) ;D ;D
nice one Terry and congrats that was 100 posts :o
-
Q. What was the first thing Saddam Hussen said when they pulled him out of his hole? ???
A. "DID I BEAT DAVID BLAINE"!!!! ;D
-
A White Horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
The barman looks at it and says Hello did you know we have a whiskey named after you?
the Horse says
What? Eric??
-
There was two snowmen. One of them said "Can you smell carrots?" ::)
-
wot do you call a monkey with a stick of dynamite ?...................a babooooooom :o :o :o ??? ???
-
bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''
The bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.''
The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''
''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''
''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''
-
A Xmas one
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
"Horn"-aments!
What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!
What game do reindeer play in their stalls?
Stable-tennis!
What has antlers and loves cheese?
Mickey Moose!
A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past.
They must have had sharp ears!
They were mountain-ears!
-
http://www.bushwatch.net/english.htm
Some classics here.
-
Hey Majestic
Have you been at the crackers a bit early ::) ;D ;D
-
;)why is a christmas tree better than a bloke! ???..
CENSORED - LETS KEEP THEM CLEAN TERRY (ADMIN ;))
:o ::) :D ;)
-
;)scientists have discovered ::) a cake which causes women to lose ninety per cent of their sex drive ??? :-/
its called a wedding cake ;D ::)
-
Two men arrested for drinking battery acid and eating fireworks
Police put one on charge and let the other off!
He he (sad but it's the only one I know thats not rude!) ;D
-
I Know the answer to that censored one Terry, ;D
-
;)why is a christmas tree better than a bloke! ???..
CENSORED - LETS KEEP THEM CLEAN TERRY (ADMIN ;))
:o ::) :D ;)
Hmmmm........I suppose that I'll never know!! :'( :'(
-
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
;D ;D ;D ;D
-
I know this is a bit rude but it made me laugh when i read it.
This is a real letter, which somebody posted to the Tax office in
IRELAND explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years.
This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the
Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford farmer in reply to an
income Tax demand.
Dear Sirs,
Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would
have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a
melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought
the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not
understand why it hadn't. Well, here are the reasons:
In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a
combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel
shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.
In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn
thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed.
One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my
brother who starved the poor bugger to death.
In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried
to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter
pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of
my relatives.
In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had
to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing
on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my
sons, neither of them being the eunuch who was by now wearing his
sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to
America with the new parish priest. They are now married and
trying for children.
In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left
me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a
housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell
of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children's
allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some
excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my
shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned
out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife shat
the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had
blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed
the knackerer who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to
get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for
his bloody funeral expenses.
The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull,
poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and
took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a
pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for
a p kept me busy for a time.
This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a
bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon
flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D.
from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping
his arse on a poisoned rabbit. I had to put down four dogs who
were worrying the sheep.
It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if
I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should
like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like
trying to poke butter up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle.
I'm praying for a cloud of cat's shat to pass your way and I hope
it will fall on you and the ba*tards in your office who sent me
this final demand.
Yours for more credit
John Murphy"