Clean It Up
UK Window Cleaning Forum => Window Cleaning Forum => Topic started by: amayze on January 13, 2010, 09:21:43 am
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Seeing that today looks like a snow-show day today, and I'm totally fed up of reading moaning threads about not being able to work, weather forecasts and reports on how much snow people have got. I thought I'd start a thread we we could share a few jokes, and hopefully put a smile on a face or two!
So, anyone got any jokes.........
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A police officer pulls over a car and says
"Been Drinking Have we sir?"
"No" said the motorist. "Why was i driving erratically?"
"No" said the officer, "Its the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious!"
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John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV the old man shouted ...
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN
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Steve, very funny.
RWC - had to read that one twice !!
Not that's the spirit...........let's at least have a laugh today !
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Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is laying on the bed.
He says "darling this is the pig i sleep with when i'm not making love to you,"
His wife says "I think you'll find thats a sheep"
the husband says "I think you'll find i was talking to the sheep"
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how long before this post is moved? ;)
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Man comes home to find his wife in bed with his mate.
so he stabs him to death.
his wife says "that was silly carry on like that and you won't have any mates left".
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A police officer pulls over a car and says
"Been Drinking Have we sir?"
"No" said the motorist. "Why was i driving erratically?"
"No" said the officer, "Its the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious!"
;D ;D ;D
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.
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;D ;D ;D
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How do you pull a fat bird? Answer= A piece of cake. ................... boom boom!!!
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2 oap's enjoying oral s*x together....the old man says i cant stop down here for long it stinks.....
the old lady says ..sorry its my athritis..
man says what in your fanny ?
old lady says..
no in my arm i cant wipe me arse ;D ;D ;D
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whats red and sits in a tree ?
a sanitary owl.........
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2 blokes chatting in a pub when one says I hate my wife I wish she was dead. the other says my mate Arty will do her in for you and he's very cheap because he's addicted to killing.
o.k. replies the bloke can I meet him, so they arranged a meet and Arty tells the man it will cost £1 and I want paying up front and a desciption and movements of your wife.
si the guy pays him the £1 and says shes 5"2 slim with long red hair and she walks with a limp, she always wears white fluffy boots and a long brown duffle coat and she's goes to Tescos every morning about 9.30am
how will you kill her the bloke askes and arty replies I always strangle them.
anyway a few days later Arty is waiting outside tesco's when a lady walks in 5"2 slime long red hair and wearing white fluffy boots and long brown dufflecoat and walking with a limp, he follows her to the freezers and sure enough he strangles her and dumps her in the freezer. but on his way out another woman walks in with the very same description and walking with a limp.
so to make sure he follows her again to the freezer section and strangles her too and dumps her in the freezer.
anyway the headlines in the papers the next day was
Arty chokes 2 for £1 at Tescos's
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very brave man jokes
how do u turn a fox into an elephant
marry it ;D ;D
what do u say to a women with 2 black eyes
nothing she's been told twice
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A 2 seater airplane crashed into a graveyard in Ireland this morning and so far, the authorities have recovered 87 bodies.
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A 2 seater airplane crashed into a graveyard in Ireland this morning and so far, the authorities have recovered 87 bodies.
lmao ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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how long before this post is moved? ;)
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what do you call 2 jews on a cloths line
a pair of tights
why dont jews like quality street
cos there made for sharing
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A guy goes to ther aid of a young lass who has skidded off the road and into a ditch.
He says to her: The last person who crashed here was pregnant.
She replied: Well I'm not.
The guy says: You're not out of the ditch yet!
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A 2 seater airplane crashed into a graveyard in Ireland this morning and so far, the authorities have recovered 87 bodies.
;D
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A couple are driving home and run over a badger. They get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.
He says "Put it between your legs 2 warm it up"
She says "But it's all wet and stinks"
He says"Well hold the badgers nose then"
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How do you fit three gays on one barstool?
Turn it upside-down! ;D ;D ;D
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3 kids playing football in a manchester street when a pit bull comes running over and starts attacking one of the boys.
without a thought one of the kids runs over with a knife and jumps on top of the pit bull and starts stabbing it until he finally thrusts the knife into the pit bulls heart and kiiling and freeing his mate.
a reporter from the manchester evening news is interviewing the kid and says thats the most heroic thing Ive ever heard in my life, I can just see the headlines young United fan save best friends from crazed pit bull.
I'm not a united fan replies the kid
ok ok heroic city fan save friends from rabid pit bull
I'm not a city fan either replied the kid
well if you don't support utd or city who do you support ?
I'm a Liverpool fan replied the kid
headlines in manchester evening news next day
Murdering scouser butchers family pet
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Why do birds fly upside down over Milton Keynes?
It's not worth sh**ting on!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Three male rabbits escape from an animal research lab. For 6 days they run run run some more. When they eventually make it to the countryside,they fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. When they awake, they see 2 fields. One with carrots for as far as the eye can see. In the other....hundreds of sexy white fluffy bunny rabbits,looking "up for it"
The first rabbit says "I'm gonna go in the carrot field...pig out something silly, then pop into the next field and f*** a dozen of them sexy rabbits into next week",he says with glee.
The second says "ditto, but i'm gonna get laid first by the sexy white fluffy bunny rabbits THEN pig out on the carrots."
They ask the third rabbit how he's gonna play things. To their horror he says"Oh bollox to this..........I think I'm gonna go back to the lab" They can't believe what they're hearing, so they ask the third rabbit what on earth he's thinking of, to which he replies.........."nothing lads......honestly.....I'm just gagging for a smoke" ;D
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Why do birds fly upside down over Milton Keynes?
It's not worth sh**ting on!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
lets get him lads! ;D
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You'll have to negotiate them roundabouts first ;D
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apparently we have not been sent any grit for f- knows how long so negotiating them roundabouts after this weather could be near on impossible ;D
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Why do birds fly upside down over Milton Keynes?
It's not worth sh**ting on!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
lets get him lads! ;D
only a joke lads ;D ;D ;D ;D
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A man goes to bed and reaches over towards his wife. Starts sliding his hands across her shoulders then down her side just glancing her breasts. Then carries on down her side and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down the inner sides of her thighs. He then slows and moves back to the top and stops as his wife gasps why have you stopped?
He replies I've found the remote, go back to sleep!!! ;D
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All this time at home and the mind does wander....it could be worse
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20100107/tuk-man-with-genitals-in-pipe-cut-free-6323e80.html
Dave
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Brilliant jokes guys youve brighten my day!! ;D
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All this time at home and the mind does wander....it could be worse
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20100107/tuk-man-with-genitals-in-pipe-cut-free-6323e80.html
Dave
my mate was working in a factory and had a bad accident where he lost his c.o.c.k. in a machine
he went home and gace his Mrs a good Bol*****g ;D
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'Oh!' she moans in ecstasy, 'is that your ring dear?'
'No' he replies' its my wrist-watch'.
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "You as horny as I am? And she always acts like she's sound asleep!
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I wonder which is worse,giving bith or being kicked in the nuts,its just interesting as no one can experience both.One of life's great mysteries ;D
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "You as horny as I am? And she always acts like she's sound asleep!
;D ;D
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Going past a cashpoint machine today and an old woman seems to be struggling, "can you help me check my balance please" she asks.
So I push her and she falls over.
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I bet Adebayor didnt run to the front of the bus to confront the gunners the other day lol
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I had £20 on them going out in a shoot out ;D
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Going past a cashpoint machine today and an old woman seems to be struggling, "can you help me check my balance please" she asks.
So I push her and she falls over.
who's been listening to ken bruce then ::)
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Going past a cashpoint machine today and an old woman seems to be struggling, "can you help me check my balance please" she asks.
So I push her and she falls over.
who's been listening to ken bruce then ::)
Nowt else interesting... yourself ;)
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Two tampons walking down the road towards each other.
Which one says hello first............
Neither, they're both stuck up tw**s
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what do you call a woman who misses her periods ?
a jammy dodger ;D
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what do you call a woman who misses her periods ?
Steve.........................That's not funny ;D
a jammy dodger ;D
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After been cheated out of the world Cup finals by France, The Irish FA have asked FIFA if they could take Togo's place in the African Cup
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what do you call a woman who misses her periods ?
Steve.........................That's not funny ;D
it is if you like jammy dodgers ;D
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After over 300 shots and only 3 on target Police now feel they have a main suspect....... and based on this evidence that suspect is......Emile Heskey! ;D ;)
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paddy pulls alongside a lorry: 'oi driver, yer losing yer load'
driver says: 'f*** off!!!'
5 miles furtuhur along the road
paddy once again pulls up again 'yer losing ya load!!'
driver says: 'will you f*** off!!'
5 miles furthur dwn the road
paddy yells 'im not jokin u are losing ya load!!'
driver says 'will you f off u thick irish git, im gritting the f..ing road!!!'
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Richy, LOL
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;D ;D ;D
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its that cold in liverpool scoucers have been seen with thier hands in thier own pockets :o :o ;D ;D
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its that cold in liverpool scoucers have been seen with thier hands in thier own pockets :o :o ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D now that i find funny ;D ;D ;D ;D
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ;D
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;D ;D ;D
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex!!
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Just saw this and it made me chuckle ...
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20100114/tod-uk-s-smallest-officer-still-feels-co-870a197.html
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laptop ;D