Clean It Up

UK Floor Cleaning Forum => Carpet Cleaning Forum => Topic started by: Scott Martin on February 26, 2005, 12:51:46 am

Title: Lets Laff - Jokes Please! (CLEAN ONES)
Post by: Scott Martin on February 26, 2005, 12:51:46 am: Give us your best jokes please? So we can have a laff after a hard day!

Hope they will allow the blue ones on the site! Ha Ha

Cheers
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: kwakakid355 on February 26, 2005, 08:35:27 am: A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.
He spends £5, 000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?
About 35, was the reply.
I'm actually 47, the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, I'd guess that you're 29?
Nope, I am actually 47. He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.
If I put my hand down your pants and play with your thingy for
ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, OK, it's done. You are 47,
Stunned the man says, That was brilliant! How did you do that?
The old lady replies, I was behind you in McDonald's.

::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: strakercleaning on February 26, 2005, 08:42:38 am: That mans wife is disgusted at the money he spent so demands £4000 for a boob job. She says she wants a fuller bosom after years with a flat chest.
He throws her a toilet roll and tells her to use that.............."it worked on your arse " :o
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Derek on February 26, 2005, 09:27:56 am: (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v712/Wigston/GirlymapofBritain.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Derek on February 26, 2005, 09:29:27 am: (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v712/Wigston/GapShopping.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Dennis on February 26, 2005, 09:48:20 am: Charles and Camilla arrive at their honeymoon hotel, the receptionist says to Camilla "Would you like the bridal suite?"

She says "No thanks love, I'll hold on to his ears" ;D

Where would you find a chicken with no legs?

Where you left it! :-*
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Doug Holloway on February 26, 2005, 05:17:25 pm: Scott,

I deleted your last link as that word is not acceptable on here,also the F word would be banned.

Try to keep them cleanish.

Cheers,

Doug
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: strakercleaning on February 26, 2005, 05:27:29 pm: Two fish in a tank.
One says " Can you drive this thing? "
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: dave401uk on February 26, 2005, 05:36:38 pm: What do you call a fish with no eyes???
....
.....

..............

.............

fsh, well you started it Chris
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: strakercleaning on February 26, 2005, 06:00:41 pm: Two Parrots on a perch.
One says " Can you smell fish? "
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Martin Sambrook on February 26, 2005, 06:07:19 pm: best day of my life....walking down the isle towards my wife, everyone smiling, vicar said a few nice words, i gave her a kisss.......Then shut the coffin.
;D
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Scott Martin on February 26, 2005, 06:48:17 pm: Sorry Doug,

Wont happen again!

Cheers
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Phil Marlor on February 26, 2005, 08:33:29 pm: My best mate ran off with my wife last month. :(

I do miss him. :o

Phil
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: mgcleaning on February 27, 2005, 10:37:06 pm: two guys in a bar one says "I can bite my right eye" the other one says "bet you can't"
so first guy takes out his glass eye and bites it .
second guy says"thats good but I bet you can"t bite your other eye"
first guy says "wanna bet" and takes out his false teeth and bites his left eye
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Shaun_Ashmore on February 27, 2005, 11:01:15 pm: Woman in bath is playing with the taps with her big toe and gets the toe stuck in the hole, she shouts her husband and he comes running, after a few minutes of trying to pull said toe out of tap hole, he says to her
"it's no good we'll have to phone a plumber"
she says" we can't I've got no clothes on"
he goes away and returns with his boler hat and says "put that over your lower bit ;D and cover your upper bits ;D with your hands"
plumber walks into bathroom
woman says "can you help me?"pointing at the toe
plumbers says "no problem" and releases toe and then says" but I don't know what I can do for Acker Bilk!"

Shaun

Can you hear Strangers on the shore?
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Phil Marlor on February 27, 2005, 11:35:57 pm: Bloke is lying in a Hospital bed after just waking up from an operation, the Doctor is standing there and says to the patient, I am afraid we have some good news and some bad news for you.

The bad news is that we have had to amputate both your legs.

But the good news is the bloke in the bed next door wants to buy your Slippers.

Phil
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Derek on February 28, 2005, 05:28:53 pm: A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then, casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "d**n thing's an hour fast. ;)
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: woodman on February 28, 2005, 05:49:18 pm: Two hunters going through the jungle come across a pygmy standing on top of a huge dead elephant.

"Christ," says one of the hunters" how on earth did a little chap like you manage to kill such a massive beast"......"with me club says the pygmy"..........."must have been a huge club" says the hunter.

"yep, theres 3 hundred of us" says the pygmy.

Well it made me laugh on Friday night after 7 pints ;D
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Karl Wildey on February 28, 2005, 10:01:22 pm: Bloke comes back from the pub carrying a duck under his arm.
His wife is sitting on the settee when he walks into the room.
Bloke says 'this is the pig I have been sleeping with',
wife says 'thats a duck'
bloke says 'I was talking to the duck'
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Karl Wildey on February 28, 2005, 10:13:03 pm: Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened
by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and
frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a
mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away. Afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found
himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious
cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to
his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed
sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain
and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,
"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a
shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed."..................(wait for it) ..........

"I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: John_Flynn on February 28, 2005, 10:33:20 pm: David Blunkett was given a Cheese Grater for Christmas, he said it was the Most Violent book he had ever read.
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: dave401uk on March 01, 2005, 02:04:10 am: has any one see Stevie wonders new limo round town
...
.
...
.

...

...nor nor has he
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Chris Bailey on March 01, 2005, 11:57:29 am: A message arrived for you from www.dating/love.com

Message reads:

Your dating advert has been on the net for 8 weeks without any answers! Do you want us to try one week without the picture?
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Derek on March 01, 2005, 06:21:19 pm: HOW TO CLEAN THE TOILET...EFFECTIVELY ;)

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three and or four times. This provides a "power-wash."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v712/Wigston/scruff_cat.jpg)

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v712/Wigston/laughing_dog.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: paulchambers on March 06, 2005, 08:28:34 am: A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: planet on March 07, 2005, 10:22:17 am: I found these unusual adverts in my local rag !

Carpets Cleaned: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it for you.

For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Jake the Carpet Cleaner. unequaled in quality, unmatched in service, unrivaled inconvenience.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Motor Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

* strange town i live in, feels like the twilight zone !*
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: planet on March 07, 2005, 10:25:48 am: ;D A funeral director called a man for further instructions about his mother-in-law’s body.

“Do you want her embalmed, cremated, or buried?” he asked.

”All three!” the man answered promptly. “Don’t take any chances.” ;D
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Dennis on March 07, 2005, 12:30:58 pm: Since it's gonna come true anyway.

"I heard pundits say Norwich City would spend three seasons in the Premiership."

"Yeah, Autumn, Winter and Spring." ;D
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Alan_Harrison on March 07, 2005, 07:23:46 pm: Did you hear about the gay cowboy? He rode into town and shot up the sherriff

Al
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: planet on March 07, 2005, 11:05:34 pm: :D whats the diffrence between clint eastwood and a gay man?

One 'makes your day'
the other makes your 'whole week'

(You have to say it in your mind to 'get' what it means) :D
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Derek on March 08, 2005, 05:02:22 pm: NEW...D.I.Y Kit for ladies

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v712/Wigston/HAMMERSCREW.bmp)
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Glynn on March 08, 2005, 05:34:05 pm: The government asked 100 scousers if Great Britain should change its currency. They all said no, they were happy with the giro.
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Don Atkinson on March 08, 2005, 05:47:30 pm: Very good Glynn ;D
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: strakercleaning on March 08, 2005, 07:17:34 pm: Noticed topic started by Steve Gunn on Business Stationary...........
I went into a newsagents recently and asked the girl behind the counter " if she kept stationary? "
She replied " Yes , right up to the last minute then i thrash about wildly !!"
;D
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: John_Flynn on March 09, 2005, 09:22:26 pm: The Duke of Edinburough has given Camela Parker-Bowles an early wedding present, A long weekend in Paris complete with a chauffer driven Mercedes.
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: mgcleaning on March 10, 2005, 09:42:06 pm: little garnening tip:
empty 1 bottle of vodka into watering can, fill with water and sprinkle all over lawn.
Now when your grass grows it will come up half cut.
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Dennis on March 10, 2005, 10:51:15 pm: IF EASILY OFFENDED DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER

Goto http://www.google.co.uk/

(The offending bit, I am trying to do it without a certain word!)

Type f**kwit (obviously replace the stars to make a well known word ::) ) in the search box and click on Google Search and see the top result!

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Ken Wainwright on March 11, 2005, 04:38:21 pm: ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D

Ken
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: ian richards on March 11, 2005, 05:59:01 pm: An Irishman walks in to a shoe shop that he had previously brought some shoes from the day before.
He walks up to the shop assistent and shouts " I bought these shoes from you yesterday and they are killing me"
The shop assistent looks down and says, "No wonder Sir, you are wearing them on the wrong feet" Looking blank the irishman says " Well ive got no other feet to put them on!!!" ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: John_McGavin on March 11, 2005, 06:27:10 pm: A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.

He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine" ;)
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Ken Wainwright on March 12, 2005, 11:35:53 am: What is it that goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives a lot of pleasure to two people?

Your answers please ;)
Ken

A tea bag ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Martin Sambrook on March 16, 2005, 08:34:51 pm: Subject: FW: for those of us that love to fly---NOT

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe
sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problems encountered with the
aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing
on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the
pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour.

Here are some of the actual logged maintenance complaints and problems
as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

P = the problem logged by the pilot.
S = the solution and action taken by the mechanics.

***********************
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
***********************
P: Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
***********************
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
***********************
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
***********************
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
***********************
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence of leak removed.
***********************
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
***********************
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
***********************
P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
***********************
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right
***********************
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
***********************
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
***********************
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
***********************
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
***********************
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer. S:Took hammer away from midget.
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: paulchambers on March 16, 2005, 11:15:08 pm: A carpet cleaner and his portable did a bit of cold calling

whilst talking to a young women at the door he offered his carpet cleaning service,

the young women said no thanks and went to close the door, the carpet cleaner put his foot in the door and stopped the door being closed ,
the carpet cleaner then threw a bucket of horse sh** onto the hall carpet and said let me show you how i can clean that mess up and if i dont then i'll eat that sh**
she agreed and then said by the way my electric has been cut off
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Martin Sambrook on March 17, 2005, 06:30:36 pm: A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger"
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Fox on March 17, 2005, 06:41:35 pm: Nun in the bath, knock on the door, 'who is it' she shouts, 'it's the blind man' comes the reply. Oh, no problem thinks the nun wonder what he wants. 'Come in' she shouts, in he goes and says 'nice tits, now where do you want the blind'!
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Dennis on March 18, 2005, 08:31:25 am: http://www.hardcorpsdesign.com/~queen/stereomps/

What's Michael Jackson's favourite pantomine?

Aladdin. :o
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Dennis on March 18, 2005, 08:39:18 am: Council complaints

These are 'genuine clips' from council complaint letters:

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.

It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my numpty off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his c o c k wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it..

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me
every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy
my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I
still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
can't get BBC2.
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please!
Post by: Bryan H on March 18, 2005, 08:52:48 am: Very good Dennis!

I always knew Blair was a good 'Twister' ;D

Bryan
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please! (CLEAN ONES)
Post by: CARPET KNIGHTS on March 18, 2005, 06:53:02 pm: There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic."You impotent numpty," She screamed
at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please! (CLEAN ONES)
Post by: Dennis on March 19, 2005, 10:06:41 am: Into a pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a
train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little s*it, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his
hand".

"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight".
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please! (CLEAN ONES)
Post by: neil 47 on March 20, 2005, 05:59:27 pm: A man walks into a vets ,he ask,s the vet to have a look at his dog as he thinks there is somthing wrong with its leg.
The vet has a look at the dog and then say,s to the man theres nothing wrong with him.
The mans say,s are you sure .
The vet replys let me ask my cat.
The cat says meow meow there,s nothing wrong with your dog .
The man still is,nt happy and ask,s for a another opinion the vet say,s I,ll ask my labador.
The labador says woof woof your dog is fine.
thanks say s the man that s put my mind at rest, how much will that be .
£500 say,s the vet .
£500 !!!!!! says the man how do you come to that. well says the vet there a £100 consultation fee
and £200 each for the cat scan and £200 for the lab report
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Neil
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please! (CLEAN ONES)
Post by: Cloverleaf on March 20, 2005, 07:51:03 pm: Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: Whats the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will search for a golf ball.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please! (CLEAN ONES)
Post by: Ken Wainwright on March 20, 2005, 08:11:10 pm: The answer to my riddle above is Teabag.

Ok, Ok, Ok. I thought it was funny >:(

Safe and happy ho ho ho :D
Ken
Title: Re: Lets Laff - Jokes Please! (CLEAN ONES)
Post by: Ian Gourlay on March 25, 2005, 04:12:53 am: A man came home from the pub earlier tan usual to discover his best mate was in bed with his wife.

Oh Ken !! he exclaimed sadly shaking his head "I have to. But you??"

Five minutes after leaving his house for work, Phil realises he has forgotten his Healthy Home audit sheets. He turns his van round, gets home and walks into the kitchen to see his wife standing over the sink. Quick as lighting he goes up to her and grabs her tits from behind saying jokingly " Now what can I do for you for Today?"

" Just six eggs and a pint of cream please" she replies.