[Ken Wainwright]

What is it that goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives a lot of pleasure to two people?

Your answers please
Ken


A tea bag

[Martin Sambrook]

Subject: FW: for those of us that love to fly---NOT

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe
sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problems encountered with the
aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. 

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing
on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the
pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour.

Here are some of the actual logged maintenance complaints and problems
as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.


P = the problem logged by the pilot.
S = the solution and action taken by the mechanics.

***********************
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
***********************
P: Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
***********************
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
***********************
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
***********************
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
***********************
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence of leak removed.
***********************
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
***********************
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
***********************
P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
***********************
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right
***********************
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
***********************
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
***********************
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
***********************
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
***********************
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer. S:Took hammer away from midget.

[paulchambers]

A carpet cleaner and his portable did a bit of cold calling

 whilst talking to a young women at the door he offered his carpet cleaning service,

the young women said no thanks and went to close the door, the carpet cleaner put his foot in the door  and stopped the door being closed ,
the carpet cleaner then threw a bucket of horse sh** onto the hall carpet and said let me show you how i can clean that mess up  and if i dont  then i'll eat that sh**
she agreed and then said by the way my electric has been cut off

[Martin Sambrook]

A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger"
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"

[Fox]

Nun in the bath, knock on the door, 'who is it' she shouts, 'it's the blind man' comes the reply.  Oh, no problem thinks the nun wonder what he wants.  'Come in' she shouts, in he goes and says 'nice tits, now where do you want the blind'!

[Dennis]

http://www.hardcorpsdesign.com/~queen/stereomps/



What's Michael Jackson's favourite pantomine?

Aladdin.

[Dennis]

Council complaints

These are 'genuine clips' from council complaint letters:


My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.

It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my numpty off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

 My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.

 Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

 Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his c o c k wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
 unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it..

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
 please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me
every night.

 Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy
 my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I
 still have no satisfaction.

 This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
 can't get BBC2.

[Bryan H]

Very good Dennis!

I always knew Blair was a good 'Twister'   

Bryan

[CARPET KNIGHTS]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic."You impotent numpty," She screamed
at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[Dennis]

Into a pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a
train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little s*it, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his
hand".

"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight".

[neil 47]

A man walks into a vets ,he ask,s the vet to have a   look at his dog as he thinks there is somthing wrong with its leg.
The vet has a look at the dog and then say,s to the man theres nothing wrong with him.
The mans say,s are you sure .
The vet replys let me ask my cat. 
The cat says meow  meow there,s nothing wrong with your dog .
The man still is,nt happy and ask,s for a another opinion the vet say,s I,ll ask my labador.
 The labador says woof woof your dog is fine.
thanks say s the man that s put my mind at rest, how much will that be .
£500 say,s the vet .
£500 !!!!!! says the man how do you come to that. well says the vet there a £100 consultation fee
and £200 each for the cat scan and £200 for the lab report
      Neil

[Cloverleaf]

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: Whats the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will search for a golf ball.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

[Ken Wainwright]

The answer to my riddle above is  Teabag.

Ok,  Ok,  Ok. I thought it was funny

Safe and happy ho  ho  ho 
Ken

[Ian Gourlay]

A man came home from the pub earlier tan usual to discover his best mate was in bed with his wife.

Oh Ken !! he exclaimed sadly shaking his head  "I have to. But you??"




Five minutes after leaving his house for work, Phil realises he has forgotten his Healthy Home audit sheets. He turns his van round, gets home and walks into the kitchen to see his wife standing over the sink. Quick as lighting he goes up to her and grabs her tits from behind saying jokingly " Now what can I do for you for Today?"


" Just six eggs and a pint of cream please" she replies.