Statement from Police:
Earlier today a window cleaner known as Stoots was arrested after launching a tirade of foul and abusive language, such as has never been heard before in all the Realms of Human Existence, towards a young woman at a children's birthday party.
Said woman received an emergency blood transfusion having lost copious amounts of blood from her ears and will later undergo surgery in an attempt to remove two sausages which were brutally rammed up her nostrils.
A team of Councillors has been assembled in hope that at least some of the children present may not be mentally scarred for life.
A judge has refused Stoots bail or access to a computer.
It should be noted in Stoot's defense that the woman owed him £10.
