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A Joke for Christmas

Posted by Bones (Bones), 18 December 2003
Just to bring a bit of festive laughter i thought i'd post a joke,.....

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa

was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were

problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and

the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as

the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the

pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to

visit. This stressed Santa even more. Then he went to

harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were

about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and

were out, heaven knows where. More stress!!!

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the

boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and

scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into

the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the

elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to


In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee

pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all

over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and

found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his

way to the door. He opened the door and there was a

little Angel with a great big Christmas tree. The

Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa,

isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little Angel on top of

the Christmas tree   Grin Grin Grin Grin
Posted by paul (paul), 18 December 2003
Posted by g_griffin (g_griffin), 18 December 2003
Don`t sell the ladders just yet Bones Kiss

Posted by pw (paul w), 18 December 2003
nice one bones Grin Grin Grin
Posted by fez (fez), 19 December 2003
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, it it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied:

Wait for it............

"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

Sorry!! Embarassed

Posted by jonesy5 (jonesy5), 20 December 2003
a man called eric was lucky enough to come across a magic lantern, he rubbed and sure enough up popped a genie. The genie said to eric "i can only give you one wish so use it wisely"
now eric said to the genie "ive always wanted to visit austraila but i cant fly and theres no way im going accross water".
Well the genie thought long and hard and new this was going to be some task, so he said to eric "look to do this i got to build a road 10 000 miles long over deserts and under seas, i just dont think its possible, even for me, look eric can you think of something else.
well eric thought and yes there was something!
"look mr genie ive always wanted to know what makes a woman tick, why is it one day shes fine and the next WELL, and how come we men can never understand them.

"was that a single or dual carrigeway" said the genie
Posted by karlosdaze (karlosdaze), 20 December 2003
Posted by fez (fez), 21 December 2003
on 12/20/03 at 23:05:36, karlosdaze wrote:

60 SecondsHuh I didn't even make it to five!! (if you don't know what I'm on about, click on the link). Grin

Posted by STEVE71163 (Steve Lowe), 21 December 2003
Thats good that Grin About 10 seconds is all i could manage Grin

Posted by Majestic (Majestic), 21 December 2003
Longer than me , but I did like this one
Posted by Neil (wylie), 22 December 2003
Excellent stuff.  Grin
I sent the to my nephew and he loved it. Check out his website to see why (blatant advert I know but as a proud uncle I make no apologies) Smiley

Posted by Bones (Bones), 22 December 2003
Wylie, So when James is sittin in the formula 1's in a couple of years will we see you cleaning the windows in the pit lanes Roll Eyes Wink

Posted by Neil (wylie), 22 December 2003
Too Bl**dy right !!
Anything for a pit pass Me Grin Grin
Posted by Majestic (Majestic), 22 December 2003
Does he have your name on his car as one of his sponsors Grin Cool
Posted by Neil (wylie), 22 December 2003
No I cant afford to put it on the car but his pants has my name on it Grin Grin Grin
Posted by Majestic (Majestic), 22 December 2003
Not on the seat of his pants Cool
Posted by Terry_Burrows (Terry_Burrows), 22 December 2003
Winkwent to the doctors the other day,I said when I push my forefinger on my chest it hurts, Huhand on my knee it hurts,and on me ed it hurts, Huhand on me leg it hurts, Huh
doctor says,I gotta broken finger Grin
Posted by Neil (wylie), 22 December 2003
Dont know He wont show me ( not that I really want to see) Grin Grin
nice one Terry and congrats that was 100 posts Shocked
Posted by Bones (Bones), 22 December 2003
Q. What was the first thing Saddam Hussen said when they pulled him out of his hole? Huh

Posted by Neil (wylie), 22 December 2003
A White Horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
The barman looks at it and says Hello did you know we have a whiskey named after you?

the Horse says

What?  Eric??

Posted by Rob_B (Rob_B), 22 December 2003
There was two snowmen. One of them said "Can you smell carrots?"  Roll Eyes
Posted by pw (paul w), 22 December 2003
wot do you call a monkey with a stick of dynamite ?...................a babooooooom Shocked Shocked Shocked Huh Huh
Posted by Majestic (Majestic), 22 December 2003

bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''
The bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.''

The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''

''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''

''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''

Posted by Majestic (Majestic), 22 December 2003
A  Xmas one

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!  

What game do reindeer play in their stalls?

What has antlers and loves cheese?
Mickey Moose!

A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past.
They must have had sharp ears!
They were mountain-ears!

Posted by karlosdaze (karlosdaze), 22 December 2003
Some classics here.
Posted by Neil (wylie), 23 December 2003
Hey Majestic
Have you been at the crackers a bit early Roll Eyes Grin Grin
Posted by Terry_Burrows (Terry_Burrows), 23 December 2003
 Winkwhy is a christmas tree better than a bloke! Huh..


Shocked Roll Eyes Cheesy Wink

Posted by Terry_Burrows (Terry_Burrows), 23 December 2003
Winkscientists have discovered Roll Eyes a cake which causes women to lose ninety per cent of their sex drive Huh Undecided
its called a wedding cake Grin Roll Eyes
Posted by Fox (Fox), 23 December 2003
Two men arrested for drinking battery acid and eating fireworks

Police put one on charge and let the other off!

He he (sad but it's the only one I know thats not rude!) Grin
Posted by Bones (Bones), 23 December 2003
I Know the answer to that censored one Terry, Grin
Posted by fez (fez), 23 December 2003
on 12/23/03 at 14:45:23, Terry_Burrows wrote:
 Winkwhy is a christmas tree better than a bloke! Huh..


Shocked Roll Eyes Cheesy Wink

Hmmmm........I suppose that I'll never know!! Cry Cry

Posted by Bones (Bones), 23 December 2003

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A. An airbag.

Grin Grin Grin Grin
Posted by ALEXDH (ALEXDH), 23 December 2003
I know this is a bit rude but it made me laugh when i read it.

This is a real letter, which somebody posted to the Tax office in
IRELAND explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years.

This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the
Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford farmer in reply to an
income Tax demand.

Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would
have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a
melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought
the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not
understand why it hadn't. Well, here are the reasons:

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a
combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel
shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn
thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed.
One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my
brother who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried
to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter
pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of
my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had
to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing
on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my
sons, neither of them being the eunuch who was by now wearing his
sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to
America with the new parish priest. They are now married and
trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left
me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a
housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell
of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children's
allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some
excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my
shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned
out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife shat
the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had
blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed
the knackerer who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to
get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for
his bloody funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull,
poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and
took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a
pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for
a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a
bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon
flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D.
from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping
his arse on a poisoned rabbit. I had to put down four dogs who
were worrying the sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if
I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should
like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like
trying to poke butter up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle.

I'm praying for a cloud of cat's shat to pass your way and I hope
it will fall on you and the ba*tards in your office who sent me
this final demand.

Yours for more credit

John Murphy"

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